Work tomorrow.
Two more days and I begin the journey I don't want to take but must.
I've gone back and forth on rather not I should write about this in my blog. I decided to because it's the whole point right? Sharing things. After all even the most darkest of our days have some portion of  building who we are as people right? It's definitely not always bright.

One of the songs my mom used to sing, "I beg your pardon, I never promised you a rose garden"....

I think of her a lot lately. Funny,odd, when she passed away July 5, 2009 I hardly cried. In fact, I didn't even get to see her.I was in Canyon and couldn't get a flight out. Closest airport was Amarillo and trust me its a 5 dollar town. Besides I didn't think she was really that sick honestly.She was only 60. I can't tell you how many countless calls I'd get from her saying she was going in for this procedure or that only to have her call me the next day and be just fine. Even the doctors and nurses on July 4, 2009 told me over the phone not to worry she was not in any "real" trouble. I got the first call at 5am from my Dad. They were long since divorced and he was only sending messages from my brother who I don't directly speak to unless its urgent. Then I called my brother and he said she wasn't dead it was a mistake......pretty sick mistake. I think it was around 8am when I got the second call saying it was for real this time. She was cremated. There was turmoil in the family so no point in having a ceremony....it's sad. I love my mom.

When I was little she was the stars and the moon to me. I hope she knew.

...."along with the sunshine there's gotta be a little rain sometime."

So, now my journey the next few days, weeks and beyond for some time will take me into the world which is new to me but unfortunately, well known by countless women, men and children.

I have Cancer.

To what degree I do not know for sure until they operate. All counts are it will be relatively quick and easy. Short and sweet. My doctor at MDA is the best of the best. Waited 3 months for her so she better be. She's very petite but has a grip of a Marine. Gives me comfort since she'll be cutting my neck and throat open. The left lobe of my thyroid and my isthmus will be removed. One of the tumors has attached itself to the wall of my carotid and the other to my larynx. Like I said she has a grip of a Marine.

I will begin another round of tests and treatments this Wednesday prior to the surgery next Monday January 10, 2011. What fun.

I'm lucky?

Though my Cancer - yes, my Cancer....it is in my possession IT does not own me...it is suppose to be very curable with a 85% longevity of life rate.

My heart breaks every time I go to MDA. Halls are filled with people and there are those who have everything to be mad or angry about. Very angry but, they aren't. They don't show it. I'm sure they have their moments. Crying, breaking down, loss of hope and forgetting about the future.

Summer vacation? What is that when you don't even know if you will see next week or tomorrow. From the oldest to the young not a one seems to be giving up. Then there are the children, some of them babies. They don't even know why really they are there? Why is it them? What is it like to not be sick? You would think those would be the ones who would break my heart the most...wouldn't you?

The truth is the youngest are the ones who give me the most courage of all.
Those little hands, fingers, feet, toes and precious sparkling eyes with the wide smiles. Every chance they get they laugh, play, smile, sing. They are angels on earth. I will never ever feel sorry for myself knowing that we are blessed with those darling angels here on earth.

Cancer is not fair. It doesn't discriminate. It's a parasite. It's a thief. It doesn't offer a choice to you.

My prayers have always been to thank the Lord for what he has given. Thank the Lord for allowing me to be part of 4 beautiful lives. Thank the Lord for entrusting me with the care and teaching of those 4 lives. He had much more confidence in me than I ever did. I've always asked him to guide them and hold them in his arms when they need him. He has never forsaken me.

Now and forever my prayers will include every single little child that has been stricken with Cancer and every young woman and man who may never be able to dance their first dance, kiss their first kiss, love their first love. I will always be thankful for what I have had and every single day I have coming to me.

Cancer is not fair. It doesn't discriminate. It's a parasite. It's a thief. It doesn't offer a choice to you.

Or does it?

The truth about this thing is we have no control of when it comes or how it comes into our bodies or our lives but, along with everything it seems to take away it gives us choice. It gives us  choice. Even the smallest of those darling little angels have it. They choose to disregard the pain and Cancer they choose to love, laugh and smile every chance, every moment they find a reason to. They are the happiest people in the whole world.

I am lucky?

("Rose Garden" by Lynn Anderson)